"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death", observed psychiatrist-author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
Guilt is often a part of grieving, and frequently it is the hamster-wheel of it all, persistent and unsparing. Self-reproach adds a lacerating edge to grief's welter of emotions. Dismantled as we are in the aftermath of loss, thin-skinned and supremely vulnerable, an overlay of guilt adds extra weight. The word grief derives from the old French to burden, oppress - and guilt certainly amplifies the burden of grief.
Guilt has many guises. Some people feel deeply troubled by something they did prior to the death, or disturbed by something they wish they had done, but hadn't. Or it could be survivor guilt, or a tormenting belief about having missed the mark as a caretaker / parent / spouse / sibling / friend / child or some other role. Guilt may stem from relief about the death, or from a sense of release from an aspect of the relationship that had been tough.
In her book A Grief Like No Other (2006), Kathleen O'Hara writes both as a therapist and as a mother who lost a son in a brutal murder.
"Guilt," writes O' Hara, "is surely one of the most overriding feelings of grief we experience. We torture ourselves with what we could have done differently ... I talked to Aaron on the phone the day before he was murdered. Earlier that week, I had asked him to come home for Memorial Day. He said he would try to come down in the next few weeks. We chatted for a while, and I was getting ready to go to the store, to get some things for dinner. I said goodbye and thought nothing more about it. I agonized over this phone call: Why hadn't I insisted he come home? Why didn't I pay more attention to what he was saying, and why did I allow myself to be distracted by something as insignificant as food shopping? Why, why, why - that word tortured me, ripped me apart, and caused me constant pain. I had to accept there was nothing I could do now to change one thing that happened after we spoke - and that was the most devastating thing of all" (2006: 99-100).
Let's consider, in the light of this example, that guilt can be purposeful. There could be something underneath the guilt that is hard to face and has found a hiding place.
Death is a shocking reminder that we are powerless to stave off the end of life. To relinquish guilt is perhaps also to accept not having the upper hand over death and loss. Perhaps, for as long as we believe that there was something we could have done - and ought to have done - we hold in reserve some speck of mastery.
We are built to press for survival. Our basic instinct is for life. Our fundamental life impulse might also be a perpetual counterweight to accepting our own inviolability and that of the people we love.
In general terms, some consider guilt to have important pro-life psychic functions. Jungian analyst Larry Staples believes that we are hard-wired for guilt and that it is crucial for regulation of the psyche, to prevent the instincts or opposites from gaining the upper hand. In his view, guilt serves life itself and has a job that goes far beyond preserving morality.
Guilt in bereavement can sometimes resemble the way children assume blame in situations in which they feel bewildered and helpless, and are without choice or control. Or else the situation would be unfathomable, or too calamitous to manage. As bereaved adults, perhaps we also do a version of this, creating a narrative of self-blame to explain a death that is so completely devastating and outside our orbit of control. (And if we don't blame ourselves, we may be tempted to cast blame elsewhere.)
Some Ideas for Working with Guilt
It may be important to distinguish between guilt and regret. For Stroebe et al (2014), sometimes the 'guilt' of bereavement is less about how the the survivor feels culpable for the death, and more about aspects of the relationship that once was. The nagging feeling of guilt may be an entreaty to acknowledge and mourn some strand or detail of the relationship. In living relationships, guilt can alert us to the need for repair. Similarly, guilt may signal the need for some kind of inner reconciliation after the other has gone.
In our re-thinkings of the past, says Mark Redwood (2015), we keep the person we loved alive, and feeling guilty is one of the ways we keep the person in relationship with us. Surrendering guilt, he suggests, also means giving up this possibility. "What helps people with feelings of guilt is not so much understanding that there was nothing they could have done differently, rather it is much more about a focus on how they continue their relationship with the person they love." (Redwood: 2015)
Guilt in the grieving process can be a doorway; a doorway to something else that has a 'not-right' or 'not-quite-settled' quality. You could, very gently, knock at the door of that place to see if there might be more there. It might be helpful to ask (in such a way that you step back a bit and wait for an answer from inside):
If I relinquished this guilt, what would I be facing? What, then, would matter most to me about this?
The Grief Healing Blog (2012) poses some potentially useful questions about guilt, for example:
If they were here now, what would your loved one say to you about the guilt you are carrying?
What it would take to ease this guilt?
What is it that you expected of yourself?
Be curious about the guilty feelings, rather than take culpability as a given.
Another avenue of working with guilt is to notice whether or not guilt is your general tendency. If you are tyrannized by a strong and relentless inner critic, you might be especially prone to a huge burden of guilt after a loss. It would be important to examine the relative merits and legitimacy of the guilt trip. Reality-checking might go some way towards easing the persuasive grip of irrational guilt.
A less cognitive, more intuitive and potentially deeper-reaching approach - and this also asks you to take a step back - is to gently notice what the feel of this guilt is like inside you. How does it feel from the inside? Enter a curious dialogue with that place, kindly and openly, and be willing to hear anything it might have to tell you.
Jack Kornfield has a meditation on grief that may provide a measure of comfort when touching in and being with the inside places of grief.
References
Grief Healing Blog, December 30, 2012. Retrieved September 30, 2017, from
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
Kornfield, J (n.d). Retrieved September 30, 2017, from https://jackkornfield.com/meditation-grief/
O'Hara, K (2006). A Grief Like No Other. Surviving the Violent Death of Someone You Love. New York: Marlowe & Company.
Redwood, M. Why guilt is so common after a bereavement. November 29, 2015. Retrieved September 30, 2017, from http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/why-guilt-is-so-common-after-a-bereavement
Staples, L (n.d). On Guilt and Related Topics. Jung Society of Washington. Retrieved September 30, 2017, from https://www.jung.org/page-18187
Staples, L and Pennington, N.C (n.d). The Guilt Cure. Retrieved September 30, 2017, from http://www.fisherkingpress.com/reader/9781926715537S.pdf
Stroebe M, Stroebe W, van de Schoot R, Schut H, Abakoumkin G, Li, J (2014). Guilt in Bereavement: The Role of Self-Blame and Regret in Coping with Loss. May 12, 2014. Retrieved September 30, 2017, from https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0096606